Just Being There

Hi all,

I'm really proud to share this with you. My dad shared this very inspirational and transformational story with me in response to my last post. I'm really touched by what he wrote, and he's given me permission to share it with you. I hope you all enjoy it just as much as I have. Pops, thanks so much for sharing this. I am very glad you are my dad.

Love,
David

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple of days ago a situation occurred that I think applies to your latest blog:

I was in a hurry to get to the Mountain Music guitar shop so that I could drop off a guitar for restringing. I found a parking space in back of the row of shops on south College and struggled to find a way to get to the shop. Finally, I found an alley that led me through to College Avenue. Once in the guitar shop, which was very small, I noticed there was a lot of activity. Someone was playing a guitar, an older gentleman and his daughter were just leaving, and finally, a lady was waiting to talk to the owner regarding repair and restringing of two guitars for her sons. She stated that wanted to get them fixed so that her sons could start lessons the very next day. As I saw this scenario unfold, I realized that it was going to take some time, and I had a decision to make. I could butt in and try to get the owner to take the order, I could leave and come back later, or I could sit down and wait my turn. I decided on the last alternative and was glad I did. As I made the decision I stopped hurrying and came into the present.

I simply watched the interaction between the proprietor and the lady. The lady had two guitars, both acoustic: one set up for nylon strings and the other set up for steel strings. The proprietor carefully looked over both guitars. He said that the nylon stringed guitar was fine but the steel stringed was in bad shape. To further complicate matters, she said that her eldest son really wanted to learn to play an electric guitar. Also, she wanted to have her younger son also take lessons, hence the need for both guitars. The lady was in a bind, she had the two guitars, one good the other no good, but neither was an electric. She asked lots of good questions about the difference between the types of guitars. Also she asked if learning on these different guitars was transferable between the types. As the conversation went on, it became apparent the she did not want to buy a new guitar of either type. The proprietor tried to explain the differences and the similarities. In addition he stated that he had serious problems with restringing the steel stringed guitar and refused to restring it for her. The interaction between the two of them was fascinating. Both were sincere in their efforts to gain acceptance for their individual positions. She was intent on getting her sons satisfaction in obtaining lessons, and he maintaining his principles for not stringing a guitar that was, essentially, not playable.

By letting go and being there, I was able to understand the essence of the interaction. By being there I did not interfere with their interaction in a negative way. While both of them knew that I was there with them, they seemed not to be inhibited by it.

They continued to talk about the differences between the types of guitars. All the while that the two of them were discussing the situation, the other person continued to play various guitars. Apparently he was trying them out for potential purchase. The proprietor approached the man, who happened to playing a steel stringed guitar at the time, and asked him to demonstrate the difference in tone between the two types by playing the woman’s nylon stringed guitar. As he did so and the attention shifted to his playing, it seemed natural for me to call the proprietor aside to have him take my order for restringing of the guitar I had brought. We did our business and I left the shop.

I don’t know how it turned out since I left before the discussion was resolved. I do know that by being present, I took a situation that could have been irritating and frustrating and made it into a time of calmness and understanding. I may or may not ask the proprietor what happened after I left.

-Dad

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What? I Don't Have to Do Anything?

Something popped in me yesterday, in a way I hadn't experienced before. I was going to lunch with a colleague of mine. As we were walking and talking, we were joking around about various things. Now I have the tendency at times to be a real joker, and can really go over the edge if I want to. So we arrived at this lunch spot called Digby's on 51st street to grab our overly-priced but tasty burritos. I started to make joking comments all over the place and I was getting on a roll. But something didn't feel quite right. It felt like way too much. It felt way over the top of who I was in that moment.

And don't get me wrong, I love joking around. But in that particular moment, it didn't feel like the appropriate place to be in our conversation. I was really dominating the conversation and our walk together with my jokes. So as we were walking back to Rockefeller plaza, I really could feel that something wasn't aligned within me. I could feel an anxiousness pulling me into an automatic way of joking, building into this giddy, uncomfortable energy. But then I saw it. I saw my automatic behavior. So I immediately stopped the joking around in the next lull in our conversation. And then, BAM!, I popped into the moment and became fully present. Just by seeing non-judgmentally what was going on with me. My enjoyment of where I was suddenly expanded a hundred-fold. I could feel and sense everything around me so much more, taking in the entire atmosphere. It was a delight to walk with my colleague through the Chase bank, a shortcut we often take to get to and from lunch spots on 51st street. It suddenly became an enlightening experience as we walked through the outdoor promenade by all the circular benches of people, as they sat and ate their lunches. I have walked through this area hundreds of times before, but this time was different because I had shifted in my way of being. I was no longer engaged in automatic, approval seeking behavior just to get someone to like me.

So what I had experienced was this clear line between being and doing. And in this case it manifested in that I often feel I have to "do" something in order to be valuable company to others, instead just being there with them. As if I have to bring some sort of value, by being funny, smart, witty or effective in some way; otherwise, people won't like me. What I saw was that I've been missing the fact that people might like me just because of who I am being, without doing anything; just by standing there, listening and being attentive. Not by putting on some kind of show. Being in the Transformation community has really helped me to see this, because the folks there have learned to see people for who they are, not what they can do. They aren't ahead of themselves, running towards a future agenda they have, or milling back into the past reliving life already gone by. They are present, attentive, caring and bright-eyed. For most of my life, it wasn't even within my reality to just "be" without doing something to prove my worth. Even when people said they just liked me for no particular reason at all. I wouldn't allow myself to believe it to be true. I'd be like "why would they like me for no reason? I haven't done anything for them to like me." It always felt like a lie in some way. It's so refreshing to see this from a new place.

It makes me wonder when I decided to live my life out of that conversation. Maybe it was in high school. Maybe it was when I worked in the music industry. Maybe after living in New York City for a few years. Who knows? I could blame it on many things, and believe the story of "why", allowing it to have power over me and my life. So I won't do that. The simple seeing of my automatic joking behavior allowed me to choose in the moment of whether to continue the mechanics, or just be there where I was.

So here's to being here in this moment of now and living a transformational lifestyle.

Keep Going For It...Your Life, That Is

Last week I caught a strong cold/flu/stomach virus. Lots of people here in New York have been getting ill; a funky bug has been going around. Now it would be easy for me go into a story about how sick I am and play out the drama of my "sick story" to get attention. A little bit of that story was happening, but much less than before, especially since I was introduced to Transformation. I think it's appropriate to list some signs of Transformation, which include:

1) Not being offended when people say things like "Ooooooh, you're sick...yuck! Get away from me". I've been acknowledging that they are justified and even forewarn them about that fact that I'm sick. I don't view it as them not caring about me. I just allow them to be who they are and see that they have a valid point.

2) Not resisting the fact that I'm sick, like when others give me advice, offer remedies like Airborne, or offer to bring me things.

3) Letting others help me and when they offer help, not trying to show that I'm strong, independent and of an I-don't-need-your-help attitude. If I let them take care of me, it's win-win. Both they and I can be alive, instead of win-lose where I get to be right, and make them wrong for trying to take care of such an "independent guy."

4) Not going into the "poor me" story to gain attention, not lashing out at people with comments and using the shield of sickness as justification for being blunt towards others.

While I was sick, I was watching a bad-ass TV show from Netflix online called "Heroes" , and I'm loving it. I don't have TV so you may already watch it, but I rely on Netflix for my viewing pleasure. It's pretty interesting to watch people on the show struggle with the past and future. I wonder if they knew about Transformation if it'd even matter? It's a great show nonetheless, really a blast to watch.

I had a conference call scheduled last week for a blog project around Transformation. Two people said they were canceling and I got really offended at this. Actually, I'll say it the more empowered way...I offended myself with it. I started to tell myself how "they don't care" or that "I've done something wrong" or "I'm not a good leader" etc, etc.

I was about to cancel the call, even though four other team members would be on it with me. Actually one of the two said they might not make it or would join later on. They showed up on time for the call! So all in all six out of seven showed up. But I only listened that they weren't coming....my mind filtered out the truth to fit the agenda of the story I was telling myself, about not being good enough.

Then I started thinking "I'm too sick to lead this call", and I was going to use that as an excuse to not do it. My mind was reaching for any reason it could - building upon each previous one - to continue this untrue story. Until the quiet voice spoke up. I'd also call it the intuitive voice, when it chooses to speak in words. When this intuitive/quiet voice speaks I actually feel it come from a different place in my body, more in my torso close to my center, instead of in my upper chest and head, which is where the loud and righteous voice resides for me.

I learned about this from Ariel & Shya who talk about these "voices in your head." No, no...not crazy voices. You know them....one voice says things loudly, casts judgments, tells you what you like, what you don't like, rewards you for the things you've done, punishes you for what you haven't. If you don't know what I'm talking about try an experiment, just sit in silence for 10 seconds and listen. Listen to what you ask? If you find yourself saying "I don't hear anything" "Listen to what" "he's crazy" then that's the voice I'm talking about! You'll hear it. The loud voice is all those thoughts we've learned of what should or shouldn't be. Well amongst all of these loud conversations, the quiet voice cut through it all and said "keep going for it." It said "don't let it bring you down or kill your enthusiasm, don't let it make you small."

I simply stayed with what I felt, allowed myself to be upset that people said they were canceling on the call, and didn't judge what I felt or assign reasons to why they aren't showing up. I had resisted my upset at first and thus all those conversations happened. That's an example of the First Principle of Transformation: what you resist, persists, grows stronger, and dominates your life. Then I just allowed it to be. The trick is though not to "allow it to be" with an agenda of getting rid of it. This is the Third Principle of Transformation, allow something to be exactly as it is and it will complete itself. Just feel it to feel it, to see what the experience is like, and it will dissolve itself. Very zen, and still difficult for me at times, though I'm getting much more skilled at it. And it works! And to help here's an article written by The Kanes on the Principles of Transformation.

So keep going for it, no matter how you feel. Just feel it, don't judge it and it will dissolve. Resist it, try to make it different and it will stay with you. You can use all sorts of techniques to try to get rid of what you are feeling, or diminish it, but no matter how small you make it, the feeling will still be there underneath it all. That's just another form of putting your attention on yourself, instead putting it out to the world, on what's happening around you and in your life. After all, they're just feelings and they come and go like the tides of the ocean. Keep going for your life and things will unfold naturally and easily. Cheers.